First Person Singular

by Ruthe Stein

All right, so it's not nuclear fission. But it's not chopped liver, either, and news that love is being created in a laboratory should be greeted as a major breakthrough -- especially by those who aren't sure it even exists.

"We can make people practically fall in love," says psychologist Arthur Aron, who is conducting these experiments at the University of California at Santa Cruz.

I pressed him for details, thinking of lonely singles who would give anything to know how to make someone almost fall in love with them.

Lab Test

Here's how it's done in a lab: Take two people who have never met, put them in a room together for 90 minutes and instruct them to exchange intimate information, such as their most embarrassing moment and how they would feel if they lost a parent.

Have them stare into each other's eyes for two minutes without talking. At intervals, bring in a researcher who says, "OK, tell the other person what you already like about him."

Aron's interest is purely scientific. He isn't in the matchmaking business, so those who are need not worry about competition.

His subjects leave through separate doors, so they will feel no pressure to get together on the outside. Nonetheless, the first two subjects got married six months later. They invited the entire research team to their wedding.

Aron, who has been studying love for 20 years and has become an authority, is excited by these experiments. No longer will he have to rely on people's fading memories of falling in love. They can be observed in the act, like rats in a maze.

How can people who meet under more normal circumstances -- if singles parties or being fixed up can be considered normal -- benefit from this research?

One implication is that if you want to get close to someone fast, you should reveal intimate things about yourself. Most people aren't willing to do this, especially not on a first date when they cling to safe subjects like a security blanket.

The Risk Factor

Self disclosure is tricky, Aron admits. It has to be reciprocal. If you're the only one pouring out your heart, your date is likely to recommend a good shrink. However, mutual disclosure creates a connection on a deeper level and shows the other person that you trust him or her.

By talking intimately, his subjects risked being embarrassed, and risk is another factor in forging an immediate attraction.

The bigger the risk, the faster you become attracted. My friend Michael fell in love with his wife on their second date when he spun the car around on an icy road in front of a bus.

"We ended up in a ditch. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. It was a very dear moment," he recalled.

I am not suggesting going to these lengths. However, if the thought doesn't absolutely terrify you, you might consider a river rafting trip or scuba diving lessons. You can never tell whose hand you will end up with in a moment of panic.

Finally, it should be noted that the people in these experiments had been told that their lab mate was going to like them.

"That expectation had a huge effect," says Aron. "If you ask people about their experience of falling in love, over 90 percent will say that a major factor was discovering that the other person liked them."

'I Like You'

So, if you're lucky enough to meet someone you like, don't be afraid to acknowledge your feelings. "I like you" may be the magic words that will produce the other magic words we all long to hear.

By the way, if you've always wanted to participate in scientific research, but would prefer not to be hooked up to electrodes, write to Aron about your experience falling in love for the second time.

1. Liking vs. loving

In his book Liking and loving, Rubin (1973) pointed out a common ground of love and liking: both being attitudes that a person holds toward another person; both being invisible packages of feelings, thoughts, and behavioral predispositions within an individual. However, the content of love is not the same as that of liking. Love is composed of three elements: attachment, caring, and intimacy. "Attachment" refers the powerful desire to be in the other's presence, to make physical contact, to be approved of, to be cared for. "Caring" is the willingness to sacrifice oneself for the sake of the other person. "Intimacy" is the union and bond between these two individuals. What makes liking different from loving, according to Rubin, is its emphasis on evaluating the other person. That is, we like some one only if we think of that person as good intellectually and morally, and worth our respect. Through empirical procedures, Rubin has developed scales measuring love and liking, which provided support for his theory.

2. Companionate vs. passionate love

To Hatfield and her colleagues (1978, 1988), the two basic types of love are passionate love and companionate love. "Passionate love" is defined as a state of intense longing for the union with another and a state of profound physiological arousal. "Companionate love" is the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined. It is believed that passionate love, based on a human biophysiological system shared with other primates, is a powerful emotion that can be both blissfully positive (when love is reciprocal) and despairingly negative (when love is unrequited). Companionate love, on the other hand, is achieved only between partners who are able to positively reinforce each other's intimate behaviors. Although most people hope to combine the delights of passionate love with the security of companionate love in a single relationship, actually to do so may be impossible, according to Hatfield.

3. Lee's color wheel model of lovestyles

In The colors of love (1973), Lee pointed out: just as there are three primary colors: red, yellow, and blue, there are three primary lovestyles: Eros (love of an ideal person), Ludus (love as a game), Storge (love as friendship). Combinations of these primary styles create the secondary styles. Some of the secondary lovestyles are "compounds" of pairs of primary styles, that is, each of these secondary styles has different properties from either of its constituent elements. For example, Mania (obsessive love) is a compound of Eros and Ludus, Pragma (realistic and practical love) a compound of Ludus and Storge, and Agape (dutiful and selfless love) a compound of Eros and Storge. Other secondary lovestyles are "mixtures," in which case the properties of the constituent elements remain detectable. These include Ludic-eros, Storgic-ludus, and Storgic-eros. There are also nine possible tertiaries, which are combinations of the primary and secondary lovestyles.

4. A triangular theory of love

Sternberg's (1986) triangular theory of love suggests that there are three major components of love: intimacy, passion and decision or commitment. Intimacy includes self-disclosure through sharing emotions and stories with one's partner. Passion involves erotic interest and sexual consummation. Commitment involves making a decision to stay with your partner and to defer this type of relationship with other potential partners. When all the elements are balanced, the most complete form of love - "consummate love" exists. According to Sternberg, that hardly ever happens. Usually people emphasize one or two elements, resulting in these types of love: "infatuated love" (high passion, low intimacy and commitment), "empty love" (high commitment, low intimacy and passion), "romantic love" (high intimacy and passion, low commitment), "companionate love" (high intimacy and commitment, low passion), "fatuous love" (high passion and commitment, low intimacy), "liking" (high intimacy present, low passion and commitment), and "nonlove" (all three components absent).

Sternberg believes that in a particular relationship the components of love take different courses. For example, in a long-term relationship, level of passion goes down after it reaches a peak, but the level of intimacy keeps rising. And the two partners may not emphasize the same elements at the same time. For example, while one may seek mainly for passion, the other may seek for intimacy. For the relationship to be successful, the partners have to resolve their differences.